k, so after today I've decided that my life is going to be interesting enough to write about for a while. So was born this blog of my life in the midwest. For those of you who don't know exactly why in holy hell I would go there, I got a 2 month internship to the Stower's Medical Research Institute. Hell yes. I'm working with Dr. Jennifer Gerton on cohesin proteins using budding yeast as the model organism. The story:
My day starts at 5 am. FML. I wake up to alien markings in sharpie on my chest. Holy fuck. And then I remembered through my sleep-deprived haze that I'd written myself reminders on my arm in sharpie, because that seemed like a good idea at the time last night right before I went to bed while the ink was apparently still wet. Last night was a blur of being sleep deprived some more, fighting with my mom, and running around to get shopping and packing done, so you can see where my brain could have shorted. We get to the airport, my luggage gets checked, and my mom cries. I hug her, tell her not to worry and am off to adventure in the midwest (yes, I realize what an oxymoron that is.)
I stagger groggily to the top of the stairs and am greeted by a sign that says "ALL LIQUIDS MUST BE IN 3 OZ BOTTLES". Fuck. Fuck you terrorists. I haven't traveled in awhile and forgot about the FAA's latest stroke of genius. I have 3 giant bottles of general cleansers to keep my dirty beaner smell at bay for the 2 months I'm going to be here. I talked to the stoic eyed security guard there, ready to explain, beg and bribe if necessary to let me through with my, um, "medical supplies for dying orphans", only to be stopped at "I forgot about the contrainer law--" with a "Don't worry about it" and a shrug. Airport security never rests. I then blaze through the checkpoint because I'm brilliant and wore sandals while people struggle with their shoes. Me: 2, Airport: 0.
The blurring of time stops when I go upstairs and catch a whiff of the cinnebon and realize I am very hungry. I move towards more healthy alternatives, because the very smell is giving me cavities. Quiznos seems good, so I head over there and fork over 10 bucks because I am too tired and hungry to walk around and find something cheaper. Airport:1, Me:2. Still winning. Also free Wi-Fi is awesome, I want to talk to someone so I sign on to AIM, but then realize no one is alive at 6 in the morning. Whatever. Straight to LOLCats. I lawl heartily until my flight.
I get to the gate and wait to board the flight to Kansas City, MO. I look around the gate and remember that I am a minority. I hadn't seen that much white since 50 Guy Creampie. Whatever. We board the plane and I immediately fall asleep. I wake up just in time for our stop in San Diego. People getting off there get off and people going to Kansas City get on. A nice middle aged lady sits in my row in the window seat. I am sitting in the aisle. She turns to me and says "I have a job for you. Make sure a skinny person sits next to us". I mock salute and pledge my allegiance to this cause. I look down the aisle and make eye contact with everyone under 200 lbs. A pretty looking blonde woman sits next to us, and the middle-aged woman says "Good job" then turns to the woman and says "You meet all the criteria". The blonde looks confused and the other woman explains. She laughs and pulls out Breaking Dawn. I silently judge, and go to back to sleep knowing that my mission was accomplished. The rest of the plane ride was pretty uneventful:
1st hour: sleep.
2nd hour: play Space Battle on my sweet ass new Blue 8gig Zune. Nearly upgrade my ship to full.
3rd hour: Realize how strained my eyes were after playing video games in a 3 inch screen. Go back to sleep.
4th hour: Listen to Mitch Hedberg and snicker quietly to myself. The parents with children shield their childrens' eyes and tell them not to look at the crazy man.
4.5th hour: Hey! We had a good tailwind this whole time and we get there half an hour early. I call the car company that Stower's is sending to me to let them know, but apparently they're hella pro and know this already.
So, I get to the gate and there's a giant man in a suit waiting for me with a bluetooth headset in his ear and a surly look on his face, and a sign with my name on it. He looks like a secret service agent and I pretend I am an ambassador to a pretend foreign country where there are public beer fixtures and government subsidized pornography. I feel special for the 10 seconds it takes for me to walk to him. He takes my bag and informs me that "Baggage claim is further down the hallway and there is a men's restroom to the right". I consider calling him Tom-Tom but, he is roughly eleventy times my size and I think better of it. He looks a whole lot more like a bodyguard than a driver. I wonder if they sent him because I am brown and likely to be lynched cuse they "don't like my kind round these here parts, y'hear boy?" Alia calls me while I'm waiting for baggage and I miss her already. I stifle the homesickness and get in the sweet ass town car where there is a bottle of water and a Chewy bar waiting for me. I am excited and inform the driver. He laughs, and we talk. He shows me landmarks that I can't remember the name of on the way to the dorms. However, one of the fountains he points out is apparently featured on the TV show Blind Date, I recognize the fountain and am immediately ashamed of myself. More importantlly, HOLY SHIT. NEKO CASE IS PLAYING AT THE UPTOWN THEATER ON JULY 19th. (When I get to the dorms I ask everyone I talk to there if they know her, I am met with unanimous no's.)
So, we get to the dorms, step out of the car and then I'm greeted with the first breath of non-air conditioned recirculated oxygen. It is incredibly hot and humid. I regret breathing. So, we get to the dorms and I don't have a card to get in. I start pawing at the door like a lost kitten. Someone comes out and lets me in eventually. I get signed in get my keycard, and get up to the dorms. I open up the door to my room, and it's pretty sweet. I get a dresser, a desk, a sweet mini-fridge and a microwave. Awesome. I get ready to jump into my bed, but my mattress is missing. Not awesome. I go back downstairs and ask if I was supposed to fly my mattress in. The woman tells me it should have been included, looks confused and goes off to search for my lost mattress. I explore the downstairs lounge in the meantime, and I see an enormous state-of-the-art kitchen, 3 luxurious pool tables and a big ass 60 something inch TV. Everything is finished in burled wood. Sweet. I might grow to like this place. I finally get a mattress and move it up. Whoo. I set up my laptop to start writing about my day. My login for the Wi-Fi doesn't work. Goddammit. I go to the common use computer room on my floor. I need a login. God god dammit dammit. Luckily one of the dudes in there was nice and looked up the tech support number for me. Apparently I have to sign into one of the common use computers and change my password. They're all slow as frozen molasses, and my opinion starts to shift back to "fuck this place". I finally get it working and go back to my laptop. WHOO! I'm logged in! GODDAMMIT. I need to install antivirus software or I can't get into the network. My opinion meter immediately falls all the way down to the red. Red meaning "FUCK THIS PLACE" green meaning "Awesome" and flashing yellow meaning "Caution, unprotected intersection". The links are to software I have to buy. Fuck this, I hit download on a random trial one and go to get some food. It finally downloads and installs when I come back and I get to use the fucking interlawlz. I can finally email my boss and ask when she wants me to come in. Before I do that though, I went to the bathroom which I share with the suite next door, and the dude living there looks in the open door from his room and apologizes for the mess, and I tell him it's cool. We talk for a little and apparently he's another Stower's Scholar. Lucky me, he drove here and I get to carpool! WHOO. I'm glad I didn't pack my heavy ass rollerblades. So now, here I am writing to you gentle readers. Too lazy to proofread. If you complain about typos I will mail you a falcon punch to the genitals. Shower time now. See you all again sometime soon.
<3 Satan.
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