Alright, so today I woke up at 7:30 central time. My body, the cheeky bastard, said "Bullshit. It's still 5:30 PST." I agreed, but stumbled off to get ready nonetheless and told my body to "shut the fuck up and look nice for your first day of work". We reach a compromise and I look decent. Close enough. JP (the guy who shares the bathroom with me and is also a Stower's Scholar) has been here for two weeks and has already started working at the institute. He was nice enough to gave me a ride and briefed me on what he did: fucking watched mice get genes surgically implanted through their tails...after getting an air shower and passing through five (5) airlocks. HOLY SHIT. I asked him to describe the actual campus, and it sounds a hell of a lot like Black Mesa from the Half-Life games. This place is going to be amazing I thought. I imagine I will be combat trained with a crowbar and a wry smile creeps over my face. And it was everything I hoped for and more. When we pulled up the garage, he whipped out his badge and it was magnetically read by the gate arm. Awesome. We then get to the stairs and he opens the door again by passing it over the sensor. I am absolutely giddy at this point. I imagine waving my badge around and pretending to be greeted by a synthetic female voice telling me "Good morning Agent 23" will never get old. I am directed to David Latzman whom I've been corresponding with for the past 3 months since I got accepted, and finally get to meet him. I shake his hand he gives me some forms to fill out, my temp badge, and he tells me I am late for orientation. Fuck. It's 8:30 and it started at 8. I probably should have asked when I was supposed to come in the night before, but jet lag gives me the brain stupids. I get there, and they're in the middle of a powerpoint presentation on how to make long distance calls. We're then told not to make long distance calls, unless they're for business. Fair enough. I get my login and everything, and we get a safety briefing from what looks to be a old Texan ex-oil tycoon. Hard time have befallen us all in this recession. He tells us what to do in case of fire, and that there are 9 security guards positioned at various points in the Institute. He also tells us not to let any strangers tailgate in, and to report suspicious activity. This is starting to sound like Black Mesa. I look at the blank wall to the left of me, and suspect it is a hidden weapons cabinet that I'll be briefed on when I complete my weapons training. He leaves, someone else comes in and then we get the grand tour of the place. HOLY SHIT in 72 point font does not even begin to describe it. Finished wood everywhere, what looks to be transparent glass plaques on the door with room names,and a grand staircase are the first things I see. Goddamn. We then go to the cafeteria and are instructed on how to go through the line from salads to deli to drinks. Awesome. There is also a grill and a pizza kitchen, and on Thursdays, there's an outdoor grill where we can all socialize and have burgers just like it's a family cookout. When we're done, he instructs us to return trays around the corner on a motherfucking conveyor belt, so we don't have to see the filthy immigrants who clean the dishes. He says the dishes get cleaned by magic, but I know better. We then head past the gallery where there's free food on Fridays and Christmas parties on Christmas, and up the grand staircase. There's a glass case with a signed gold bike and what looks to be Lance Armstrong's jersey signed, "Keep on living strong Stower's Institute!". Apparently the livestrong fund he started for cancer research helps to find the Stower's Institute. Neat. I'm tempted to take pictures but am still bewildered and confused like I'm 5 years old again and meeting Mickey for the first time. If this place has a Space Mountain replica I am going to go apeshit. We continue the tour and go upstairs. The nice man giving the tour waves his badge over the elevator sensor and we head up to see the labs. I will never get tired of badges get waved around. We look around at all the insanely posh labs and he waves to a woman with a silver tooth. Earlier I noticed the man giving the tour had a silver-capped incisor as well. I come to the conclusion that they're in the same fight club and that I'll need to grow a mustache soon. We continue the tour to the basement where I see the fucking coolest thing ever. We go to what looks like a stock room, but I notice a vending machine full of half kilo and full kilo bottles of chemicals. Then I notice that it's connected to a computer with a keyboard and thumbprint reader, and that all the cabinets are wired to this control point. He explains that all the chemicals here are commonly used by all labs, so there's no need to order them separately for each lab. We just type in our user name, scan our thumbprint, type what chemicals and how much of them we need, and the computer unlocks the appropriate cabinets. Holy crap. When I get to my lab I want to be the one who gets the supplies and I want to be constantly getting them. Even when we don't need them. Because I'm prepared and OCD over blinking lights and thumbprint scanners. We then pass through the gym. Oh, right did I mention we have our own gym in the center? Cuse we totally do and we get full access and a locker. I might start working out just so I can wave my badge to get in. On a completely random note, I may even start waving my badge at blank walls to check for secret doors. So we finish up the tour at the top of the administration building where there are 9 single occupancy hotel rooms. Holy fuck. That cinches it. This place rules. We get a tour of them and he says orientation never used to include this part, but because apparently lots of rumors started going around because no one ever saw them they included them in the tours. Sex trafficking and selling heroin seem like pretty reasonable guesses. How else would they be paying for all this? Apparently the suites are for PIs and other people who are going through candidacy and application to be full time at the Institute, which is a multi-day process, or for visiting professors giving talks. I still think I might be able to score some pot up here though. He then sends us all to our respective labs. I finally start talking to my orientation group and meet another Stower's Scholar named Stephanie from Oregon State. We immediately go "West Coast, represent," because the west coast is classy like that. We then go off to our respective labs and I take the elevator up. I tell the elevator "I'm with the band" as I pass my badge in front of it, but the reference is lost on the inanimate object. Oh well, its loss. I get to my lab and meet the people there, and the inform me that it's my lucky day, it's lab meeting day and Gittha, the grad student I'll be working with, will be presenting what I'm going to be working on. I think back to orientation and remember that lunch is comped during lab meeting days. It is so my lucky day. They give me some papers to read, and I groggily thumb through them trying to absorb as much as I can before lab meeting. "Reading wasn't part of the deal this morning" my body says. I promise it a huge free lunch if it tries and the terms are accepted. We get to the cafeteria and I have a grilled reuben sammich with freshly fried curly fries. I bite into it during lab meeting and it is the sweetest thing I've ever tasted. My dinner last night was a pop-tart and 4 vending machine salami sticks, so I may be a smidgen biased. Luckily JP has agreed to take me to Target so I don't die of starvation. Lab meeting helps clears up just what the fuck I was reading earlier a good bit and I feel better. I get my sweet ass official badge with my mugshot on it and head home through the humid heat early. Google maps says its a 19 minute walk but I find a shortcut that's not on street view. Aha! When our google overlords take over, I'll know where to hide. I take a nap that I so badly need and wake up feeling a hell of a lot better then I did this morning. I'm also hungry again, so I try and find the subway that's down the street from the pizza place I ate yesterday but fail. It's a pepperoni calzone for me today. It is fucking delicious. Ricotta and mozzarella rules. We head off to Target a bit later, and I stock up on food like its the apocalypse and our Google overlords have in fact taken over. I also buy a pillow. Let me back up. My mom and I had a big fight over what "Bring your own linens" meant. My mom thought it was just linens. I knew better and knew I needed all bedding amenities including a pillow. Whatever though. I didn't want to fight anymore so I just didn't pack it. Big mistake. Oh well. After Target, problem solved. I call my mom and rub it in her face that she was wrong. This is a rare victory for me. So, now here I am with a full fridge and a cushy bamboo pillow. Hope tomorrow is as magical as today, I'm going to break in my sweet ass new pillow. (I'm still using a bathrobe as a blanket though. Meh. C'est la vie.)
